11: A Raw Writing Update - Feeling Like a Failure (and How I’m Moving Through It)

I feel like opening this blog post with a “Dear Diary” because today’s share is a deeply personal reflection: a real-time update on where I’m currently sitting in my writing journey.

The last couple of weeks have been hard.

From 2 July to 14 July, I was away mentoring youth on leadership. I went in with the full intention of writing in between lessons, thinking I’d carve out time in the evenings to keep working on my book.

I had zero downtime.

My alarm went off at 5:45 a.m. every morning so I could supervise the students before breakfast. From 7:45 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. we were in classes or running activities. And once the students were winding down for lights-out at 9:30, I was lucky if I made it to my pillow before I passed out. Rinse and repeat for two weeks straight.

I was exhausted. And the only thing my laptop was used for during that time was course planning and admin.

My business? Untouched.

My writing? Untouched.

And I felt like a failure.

Especially because I made such a big deal about “making time” to write the morning I left.

The truth? I could have written. But I didn’t want to. I wanted sleep. I needed it. And I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the only 7.5 hours I had to myself across two weeks just to get a few words down on the page.

So, when I got home yesterday, all those failure feelings came in hard and fast.

I didn’t do what I said I was going to do. I didn’t write a single word. I didn’t stick to my plan.

The Story I Was Telling Myself...

Failure is a big deal for me. It always has been. One of the deepest things I’ve had to unlearn from childhood is this idea that my worth is tied to my achievements.

Back then, failure wasn’t an option. It felt like life or death.

Success was the only acceptable outcome, and it had to be in abundance.

So, when I miss a goal now, or fall behind, those old thought patterns try to sneak back in.

Maybe you’ve felt this too, like your worth is somehow on the line because something didn’t go to plan.

But I’ve learned to meet those moments with curiosity instead of shame.

So, What Am I Actually Doing About It?

I felt really unaligned the past two weeks.

Teaching youth leadership is something that used to light me up but if I’m honest with myself, it doesn’t feel the same anymore. And I’m actually so grateful for that realisation.

Because it showed me that my priorities have changed.

And now, my actions need to reflect that.

Over the past two years, I’ve evolved a lot.

In 2024, I built discipline and prioritised my health.

In 2025, I took huge leaps of faith, launched my business, and fully committed to writing my first draft.

I’ve also grown so much in my relationship.

So, it makes complete sense that the things I once prioritised might no longer align with who I’m becoming.

A little reminder for anyone who needs it: it’s okay to pivot.

You don’t have to twist yourself to fit the goals of your past self.

You get to create new goals that serve the person you are now.

My New Top 3 Priorities

I believe we can really only have three top priorities at a time.

More than that, and we start to dilute the energy we give to those priorities and stretch ourselves too thin.

Here are mine right now:

• Writing my first draft

• Growing my business

• Spending quality time with my partner

These two chaotic weeks reminded me exactly how much those three things mean to me.

And I’m grateful, even for the messy out-of-alignment moments, because they always bring clarity.

Realignment Begins Here

This morning (15 July), I sat back down to write for the first time in two weeks.

It was rocky.

I couldn’t remember where I left off in the story or what direction I was headed in. I noticed resistance, self-doubt, and clunky phrasing. It all felt a little disjointed.

But… I still wrote 1,186 words in 55 minutes.

And that’s worth celebrating.

This just goes to show that the more you show up, the easier it gets. Writing, like anything, is a muscle, and mine was feeling a little rusty. But I’m back in the chair, and the words will keep coming.

I’ve set a goal to complete Pinch Point 3 by the end of July. That means I need to finish Story Steps 9 and 10 by 20 July.

So, here’s to a big week of writing sprints.

And to letting go of the pressure to be perfect.

And to honouring the fact that taking a break doesn't mean you're failing. Sometimes it just means you're learning.

Thanks for being here for this more journal-style update on my reality as a writer working on her first draft.

Let’s keep writing.

Let’s keep realigning.

Happy writing,

Renee Ella

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